Dear A.

Let me give you my reasons for not divorcing. Let us start with the practical reasons. I have 17 uncles and aunts and 69 cousins and hundreds of nephews and nieces. They are all over the world and in South Africa in nearly every town. I grew up with all of them as a close family with grandmothers as matriarch figures bringing all together every Christmas, every funeral, every wedding and every birthday for family dances, family stay overs at our house, simply visiting three families on Saturdays and Sundays after 4pm in the afternoon. Thus, playing with all of them at least once a week. Many of them stayed in my hometown. I grew up pretty family kid.

A____ you should not divorce R_____ because of what I call the 642 disease plus 40. What does it mean?

Background first. The law of divorce was changed in 1978 from right or wrong parties to both parties equally right and equally wrong. Divorce by choice came in and divorce by grounds were thrown out. Well, they thought it is more humane. It is not. For kids there is no concept of equal share of the burden for the divorce. For children there is either right or wrong and since it is not possible to trust or know exactly who was right and who was wrong, well, the divorcees “smell bad” = stink. It is like social leprosy. From that moment on, all your friends, if they were six, four of them will avoid contact with you or social ties as before, and only two will stick in continuation. This percentage you will carry for the rest of your life. No one wants to listen to your wisdom, your ideas, your opinions, your stories, for four out of six thinks that they are skew, tainted and bluntly saying, dangerous.

So lawyers who are advising divorcees to divorce are doing so only for monetary gain. Nothing else. Judges who pronounce a divorce, bring a social distancing on the whole society. Suddenly everyone around you are wearing masks not to be contaminated. Auntie so and so does not want her children to go to your house because they are not sure with who you are associating. They see all kinds of shadows even if there are none. Do you want to live like this? Is this what you want to give up? Is this what you want to trade your life in for?

Then there is 40, actually plus 40. Plus 40? Yes, it takes 40 years before you see your cousin that went divorce again. Grey, old, bended over, very nice to talk to and remember the good old days. But everything in between, the could have been days, missing. The missing link in happy association for 40 years is one big gap of opportunities wasted. What a pity. What a disaster of events. Do you still want to continue? This is a reality that I know of since many of my family got divorce. And what I give you, is what I have experienced first hand. People who are divorced will tell you exactly the same as what I am saying to you here now.

So why did God say, do not divorce in the Bible? For this very same reason. He said, do not give yourself leprosy. Do not social distance yourself by your act of divorce. Do not cause yourself to be branded with a smell and tainted wherever you are going. Even if you tell your narrative every time to everyone to win their confidence, it does not work. The four and two principle out of six people around you are always the same. Four walks away and avoid and only two remain with no interest at all really. Your favorite nephews and nieces you wished to play with again grew silent and distancing in attitude and behavior. Sometimes their mothers and fathers, your cousins, will advise them to do so. Sometimes they will do so by themselves because of how kids are…kids see only in black and white. There are no grey shades for them in the world.

You may say…kids are stupid. No, they are not. You will bring this over yourself and the question you need to ask yourself now before you do it…is it worth it?

My wife and I advise both of you to reunite and with prayer and perseverance make it work. Later in life you will see what we meant clearly and will be very happy about such a forgiveness mood.

Sin has tainted all of us in personalities and all of us become wrinkled and well, ugly? No. More beautiful because love makes you blind as you get older! Your face have wrinkles because you constantly smile. Your eyes sparkle in the Lord. Both. Lovely. Others can see your happiness and the above formula is reversed for your house then: where there are 2 around you, they suddenly increase by 4 more so that they become 6 and more and this goes on for 40 years undisturbed.

Is this not want you rather want?

I witness one of my family members who wanted a divorce spending four hours with a marriage counselor and at the end they prayed and stayed together. And they lived more happily ever after! Their love grew stronger and stronger and they died crying at each other’s funeral very much. I heard him saying that after his wife’s death, that he cannot see any reason to live any longer…. Wow. Where is the idea of divorce years ago then? Gone. Disappeared.

Consider this…what God put together let no lawyer or judge try to separate.

(Advice and counsel from Dr. Koot van Wyk and Dr. Sookyoung Kim reflecting on the 2nd of December 2020 in Sangju in South Korea. You do this and we all can laugh in heaven together and rejoice forever).