Dear
A.
Let
me give you my reasons for not divorcing. Let us start with the practical
reasons. I have 17 uncles and aunts and 69 cousins and hundreds of nephews and
nieces. They are all over the world and in South Africa in nearly every town. I
grew up with all of them as a close family with grandmothers as matriarch figures
bringing all together every Christmas, every funeral, every wedding and every
birthday for family dances, family stay overs at our house, simply visiting
three families on Saturdays and Sundays after 4pm in the afternoon. Thus,
playing with all of them at least once a week. Many of them stayed in my
hometown. I grew up pretty family kid.
A____
you should not divorce R_____ because of what I call the 642 disease plus 40. What does it mean?
Background
first. The law of divorce was changed in 1978 from right or wrong parties to
both parties equally right and equally wrong. Divorce by choice came in and
divorce by grounds were thrown out. Well, they thought it is more humane. It is
not. For kids there is no concept of equal share of the burden for the divorce.
For children there is either right or wrong and since it is not possible to
trust or know exactly who was right and who was wrong, well, the divorcees “smell
bad” = stink. It is like social leprosy. From that moment on, all your friends,
if they were six, four of them will avoid contact with you or social ties as
before, and only two will stick in continuation. This percentage you will carry
for the rest of your life. No one wants to listen to your wisdom, your ideas,
your opinions, your stories, for four out of six thinks that they are skew,
tainted and bluntly saying, dangerous.
So
lawyers who are advising divorcees to divorce are doing so only for monetary
gain. Nothing else. Judges who pronounce a divorce, bring a social distancing
on the whole society. Suddenly everyone around you are wearing masks not to be
contaminated. Auntie so and so does not want her children to go to your house
because they are not sure with who you are associating. They see all kinds of
shadows even if there are none. Do you want to live like this? Is this what you
want to give up? Is this what you want to trade your life in for?
Then
there is 40, actually plus 40. Plus 40? Yes, it takes 40 years before you see
your cousin that went divorce again. Grey, old, bended over, very nice to talk
to and remember the good old days. But everything in between, the could have
been days, missing. The missing link in happy association for 40 years is one
big gap of opportunities wasted. What a pity. What a disaster of events. Do you
still want to continue? This is a reality that I know of since many of my
family got divorce. And what I give you, is what I have experienced first hand.
People who are divorced will tell you exactly the same as what I am saying to
you here now.
So
why did God say, do not divorce in the Bible? For this very same reason. He
said, do not give yourself leprosy. Do not social distance yourself by your act
of divorce. Do not cause yourself to be branded with a smell and tainted
wherever you are going. Even if you tell your narrative every time to everyone
to win their confidence, it does not work. The four and two principle out of
six people around you are always the same. Four walks away and avoid and only
two remain with no interest at all really. Your favorite nephews and nieces you
wished to play with again grew silent and distancing in attitude and behavior.
Sometimes their mothers and fathers, your cousins, will advise them to do so.
Sometimes they will do so by themselves because of how kids are…kids see only
in black and white. There are no grey shades for them in the world.
You
may say…kids are stupid. No, they are not. You will bring this over yourself
and the question you need to ask yourself now before you do it…is it worth it?
My
wife and I advise both of you to reunite and with prayer and perseverance make
it work. Later in life you will see what we meant clearly and will be very
happy about such a forgiveness mood.
Sin
has tainted all of us in personalities and all of us become wrinkled and well,
ugly? No. More beautiful because love makes you blind as you get older! Your
face have wrinkles because you constantly smile. Your eyes sparkle in the Lord.
Both. Lovely. Others can see your happiness and the above formula is reversed
for your house then: where there are 2 around you, they suddenly increase by 4
more so that they become 6 and more and this goes on for 40 years undisturbed.
Is
this not want you rather want?
I
witness one of my family members who wanted a divorce spending four hours with
a marriage counselor and at the end they prayed and stayed together. And they
lived more happily ever after! Their love grew stronger and stronger and they
died crying at each other’s funeral very much. I heard him saying that after
his wife’s death, that he cannot see any reason to live any longer…. Wow. Where
is the idea of divorce years ago then? Gone. Disappeared.
Consider
this…what God put together let no lawyer or judge try to separate.
(Advice
and counsel from Dr. Koot van Wyk and Dr. Sookyoung Kim reflecting on the 2nd
of December 2020 in Sangju in South Korea. You do this and we all can laugh in
heaven together and rejoice forever).